The Joke's on Them
by LukasMalachi
Summary: Batman finally defeats one of his greatest foes, but ends up suffering even more than he succeeded. Warning: gay boy/boy (not smut, just fluff), cussing towards the end, violence in detail. Don't like...you know the rest...but in case you don't...DON'T READ.


**It** was a boring night back at the Wayne Mansion. Robin laid around with little to do and even less to be entertained with; however, big news was on the brink of bursting into existence.  
"Master Bruce, are you sure you are quite alright?" Alfred inquired.  
Robin sat bolt upright in his still reclined chez lounge chair.  
"I'm fine, Alfred. I'm fine."  
"But Master Bruce-"  
"No buts, Alfred, I'm...I'm..."  
Bruce never got to finish his sentence before the loss of blood from his open wounds caused him to faint causing all the staff and residents of the Wayne Mansion to be in quite a fit of panic.  
"Bruce!" Richard Grayson, Bruce's adoptive son, exclaimed. "What happened? Alfred! Why is he so...so..."  
"Wounded? That will be a matter better addressed once Mr. Wayne has awoken. Until then, we shall all have to wait on baited breath."

**•••**

** "Ngh."** Bruce grunted as he tossed and turned in the bed he had been put in by his son and his butler.  
"Is he going to be alright, Alfred?" Dick had to inquire.  
"It seems so. I am unsure as to what caused such horrific wounds and injuries, but we shall find out soon enough. Master Grayson, I advise that you head off to your quarters. It is far too late for you to still be up."  
"But-" Dick tried to interject.  
"Uh, uh. Come on Rob, Bruce'll be fine." Barbara Gordon said as she strolled in.

"I'll watch over Batman. Dad is already asleep after spending hours cleaning up. Bruce was busy tonight."  
"Do you know why he's like this?"  
"You don't know? Robin, Bruce finally killed the Joker."  
"But Bruce told us never to-" Robin gasped out with a sob of confusion.  
"Hey, it's okay. Bruce didn't mean to and the Joker brought it upon himself. You see, Batman and I had to confront Joker at the zoo. Penguin had already been there, but we rounded him up. The Joker thought it'd be a good idea to catch us while he was worn out, but Penguin hadn't been much of a challenge tonight." Batgirl regaled with vivid imagery, "As soon as Joker got there, Bats was on him like I'd never seen him fight anyone else. I guess Bats just had enough for tonight and took out all his anger at once.  
"No matter how many cards or jacks Joker threw, Bats kept on getting closer until the Joker was literally backed up against a wall. Joker had to do something, so he tossed down a jack-in-the-box smoke bomb. Next thing we knew he was up on top of the lion's den. I tried to run up to them and help out by confronting him, but Bruce was way ahead of me. He grappled his way right next to Joker. Apparently, Joker had run out of ammo so it was just fist to fist. I grappled up to join in on the action, but right as I got up there, Joker backed up against me and slipped.  
"Before I knew what was happening, Joker was on the ground with his limbs in all sorts of weird angles. However disfigured Joker was from his original accident, his blood was still the same to the lions. I couldn't look because soon enough he was being devoured by the royalty of the jungle. His cries were bad enough, I couldn't bare to see his face. I looked back at Bats and he had disappeared. Then, I heard something going on down in the pit. Batman was fighting lion. Like legit fighting lions. I'd never seen him do anything like it before. I saw that he was part if a hopeless struggle and swooped him up. I couldn't get Joked. By the time I looked back, his body was in too many pieces to count.  
"I took Bats back here, and now you know everything."  
"You mean, the Joker..."  
"Is dead. Once and for all. I just wish it didn't have to happen that way."  
"Well, who else knows?"  
"The police and us. Soon enough, though, it'll be all over the news."  
"Alfred, could you turn on the TV in here please?" Robin asked, needing to know more.  
"Of course, Master Grayson; however, I truly must advise you go to bed."  
"Dick, he's right; you really should get to bed. I'll watch over Bats and you can look after him in the morning. Okay?" Barbara suggested.  
"Okay, fine; I just have to see the news first. I need to see if this has all gotten out to the public."  
"Fair enough. Go ahead, Alfred."  
As he was asked, Alfred switched on the 52" Plasma screen TV above Bruce's fireplace. _  
'Good evening and welcome to Channel 5's Midnight News. I'm your anchor, Vicki Vale and we have quite a story for you tonight.'_  
_Please, just don't let it be on the news, Batman can't be called a killer._ Richard pleaded in his thoughts.  
_'After attacking The Gotham City Zoo, Penguin a.k.a. Oswald Cobblepot was quickly apprehended by Batman and his newest sidekick, Batgirl. Boy Wonder was nowhere to be seen on this eventful night. Has Boy Wonder been beaten? Where has Robin roamed? This story and more after the break.'_  
"_Sidekick_...ugh, why can't I be his partner?"  
"Babs, that's not the important part. People still don't know about The Joker!"  
"Yeah, but that's fine. What's so bad about that?"  
"Nothing! I mean, if word gets out that Joker's dead, people will think Bats is a killer."  
"I know, Dick, calm down. Just get to bed. Now that you know, we can talk more about it tomorrow. Now get to bed. Goodnight." She said the last words affectionately as she kissed Robin on the cheek, goodnight.  
"Goodnight," he said, returning the kiss. "Goodnight, Alfred."  
"Goodnight, Master Grayson."  
As Robin left the room for bed, Alfred looked over to Barbara.  
"Ms. Gordon, might I ask why it is you are blushing?"  
Unfortunately for her, Alfred's question just made her blush more.  
"It's nothing Alfred, really. Now, could you could get me some more warm water for Bruce. _Please_?"  
"But of course." As he began to leave, Barbara realized she still had more to say. "Oh, and Alfred?"  
"Yes, Ms. Gordon?"  
"Once you get me that, please go to bed. You've done a lot already tonight."  
"As have you, _but, alas_!" He said Victorian exaggeration, "_If I must_..."  
Barbara couldn't hide her amusement and busted out into a fit of laughter.  
"You know, Alfred, I'll get it myself. Just get some sleep. Goodnight."  
"Thank you, and goodnight Ms. Gordon."  
As soon as Alfred left the room and had gone to his quarters, Barbara turned her attention to Batman. Her eyes filled with tears as she remembered what had gone on just a few fateful hours earlier.  
"Why?...why did you do it?" She cried as her words came out in exasperated sobs of desperation. "It didn't have to go like this. Now we'll have gangs out for revenge all against us." Barbara sat down next to Bruce's bed and lay her head down on his lap, letting the tears flow.  
"Mmm...Barbara?" Bruce muttered as he began to wake up.  
"Yeah," she managed to reply, wiping the tear streaks from her face with the palms of her hands. "I'm here, what is it?"  
"You know why I had to do that."  
"You heard that?"  
"Every word. Babs, come here."  
As he asked, Barbara came to him, wrapping her arms around his neck.  
"I still don't understand why." She began to sob again as she continued to think of what had happened.  
"Joker can't hurt people any more. He will never hurt anyone ever again."  
"Yes, but we're not killers. We don't-"  
"Look, no matter what we would ever do to put Joker away, he would always escape and attack more people. It's better this way."  
"I'm sorry, I just can't. I see that you're fine now. I'm going to bed. Goodnight." Barbara cried out as she ran from the room.  
"At least turn of the...ugh." Bruce continued to watch the television, giving up on his desire to turn it off.  
_'Welcome, next up: How big is Bruce Wayne?'_  
"They better get this right..."

**•••**

** "'ey! **Boss!"  
"Mister J ain't here. Whaddya want?"  
"I ain't lookin' fo' The Joker, I'as lookin' for you."  
"You knows I ain't boss 'round 'ere. That's Mister J's job."  
"Well, lookie 'ere. Now you's boss."  
"You dumb oaf, whaddya-... shit..." Harley ran to where her buffoon of a henchman had dropped The Joker's corpse.  
"Mister J?... _Puddin'_?... What'sa matte'?... Comeon... speak to me puddin'. Jay..."  
"That won' do nothin'."  
"Whaddya mean?"  
"Joker here's dead."  
"You mean?..."  
"Kaput, finito, he's outta here."  
"I know what _dead_ fuckin' means! I's made many guys dead. I's gonna ask you... who did this? I swear if it was Pengy or Ivy... Oh, or that little bitch Catgirl..."  
"Nah, it's none of 'em. It's the Bats."  
"Motherfucker...I give my life, my love, my career, my everything to bein' Mister J's Harley Quinn... and Batman's the one who took it all away. Ah hell no... It's not gonna end like this. No, sirrie... 'ey! Whatta you still doin' in 'ere? Get yo' fat ass outta this room before I SMASH YA TO PIECES!"  
"Yes boss..."  
"Oh, and from now on, it's HQ," and with that, her mercenary left the room. "No more Harley Quinn. No, Bats has taken everything. All I have lef' is my identity, ands I don' even got that. Batsy knows that too along with fucking everything else. Damnit! He's taken everything. Now it's just time to return the favor... 'ey! Zeebo! Get yo' fat ass back 'ere... and bring the others."  
"Okay boss... so, like..."  
"Like...EVERYONE!"  
"Okay, okay. Guys! Get in 'ere!" As Zeebo shouted his request, an uproar of murmurs of came in reply.  
"You's bette' be sayin',_ 'Okay, Zeebo.' _Otherwise, you're all FIRED, and you boys know what fired means around here. Don't'cha?"  
"YES, BOSS."  
"Uh, uh, uh... IT'S HQ YOU BLUNDA HEADS! Now, get yo'selves togethe'. Tonight, we capture the Bats!"  
_ "Wha..."  
"Really?"  
"Is she fo' real?"  
"Ha, that bitch is off her rocka."_ All of which were replies heard amongst her crowd of bottom feeders. Except, the unfortunate bottom feeder who said the last statement soon received a blow to the head... by a bullet.  
"Now, who'd like to join him?... anyone? Alrighty!" She exclaimed with a burst of giggles. "Okie dokie... So, if you'll follow this off-her-rocker-bitch, let's get a move on! Everyone, grab yo' weapon o' choice and grab all the strait jackets we's collected ove' the years. For once, Batman is gonna learn what it's like to be tied up and punished."  
"Yeah!" They all yelled, this time in unison.  
"OH, shit, I just gots a good idea. We need to grab us Boy Loser too!"  
"But bo-... I mean, HQ..."  
"'ey. Do ya wanna end up like him?" She asked, pointing the barrel of her gun at the already dead ex-employee.  
"No, HQ. I would most definitely not like to end up like that."  
"Are yous talkin' down to me? After all I's done? How dare you?" and with that, he joined his ex-coworker on the list of dead employees.  
"Now, does anyone else have any questions?"  
"NO, HQ." They again all answered in unison.  
"Good, now let's get to it. Chop, chop, people. We don't got all day 'ere!"

**•••**

**As** the large grandfather clock in the downstairs hall of the Wayne Mansion rang twelve, Kid Flash let himself into Robin's room for a surprise encounter.  
"Happy Birthday, babe." Wally whispered into Dick's ear.  
"But...my God..." he muttered as he checked his bedside clock, "it's twelve. Aww, Wally, you came right on my birthday. Thank you!" As Wally leaned in for a romantic way of saying 'Happy Birthday', Dick pulled away. "Wait, I just woke up. Give me a minute. 'kay?"  
"It's _your birthday._.." This wasn't the first time he'd been denied by Dick. Dick Grayson wasn't the most progressive and outwards person, nor was he spontaneous. Although he'd been out of the closet for 2 years or so, he was still shy about his sexuality and prude as anyone could be- gay or otherwise.  
"Hey, could you toss me some contacts?" He couldn't help but admire the Robin's egg blue of Richard's eyes.  
"Yeah sure..." Wally mumbled as he complied. "_Hey, Dick_, can I ask you something?"  
"Of course, shoot."  
"Aren't you kind of tired?"  
"Well, Wally, you just woke me up at midnight, an hour after I went to bed; of course I'm-"  
"That's not what I'm talking about. Look, I'm sorry to bring this up on your birthday, but, aren't you just tired of-"  
Before he could continue, a familiar figure appeared in the doorway.  
Bruce stepped in from the doorway and let the boys know what was on his mind.

"Dick, Wally: I did agree to let you be a couple, even though you're both in enough danger on your own. Now, I never agreed to late-night get-togethers. It's sweet of you to come on Dick's birthday, Wally, you two have to sleep. Oh, and Happy Birthday, Dick."  
"Thanks, Bruce, but how come we have to sleep when you don't?"  
"I'm about four decades older than you, Dick. Please, just listen to what I say. Now, Wally..." Bruce's voice trailed off as he noticed that Kid Flash must've zoomed out.  
"Damn, I thought I was good at disappearing. Anyway: Goodnight, Dick."  
"Night, Bruce."

**•••**

** Barbara** had been stationed down in the Batcave for the night due to Robin's curfew and Batman's exhaustion. Although she hated to admit it, she had an unfortunate habit of peeping through the Cameras around the city and within the mansion. Whenever anything happened inside or out of the residence, Barbara was aware.  
In the case of Kid Flash's unplanned arrival, Barbara knew when he came; however, when she saw he had gone into Dick's room, she had to see why. She sat herself back into her chair and got comfortable as she peered in on the conversation.  
Unfortunately for Barbara, there was one other thing that she hated to admit. She liked...no, loved Dick Grayson. Until now, she had no idea of his sexual orientation nor did she have an inkling as to his relationship with another superhero's sidekick.  
As she watched, all de could get out through her tears was, "Happy Birthday, Dick. I hope you'll be happier than me..."

**•••**

**Wally to Dick:**  
**Hey, can we meet up after school 2day? i never got 2 ask u that question n it's still ur birthday. weve got 2 do something 2 celebrate. ;)**

**Dick to Wally:  
Sure, I just have to do an early patrol with Bruce first. He got info that Black Mask might be doing a deal.**

**Wally to Dick:  
Ok. just tell me when i can come over. Txt ya later.**

**Dick to Wally:  
Okay, I'll see you later.**

**•••**

**As** Batman and Robin were out on their early, mid-afternoon patrol, they spotted what they came looking for. Black Mask was where their intel said he would be; however, this was no ordinary gang deal. Down with Black Mask was Harley and her cluster of clown jockeys.  
"Aw, lookie who's 'ere! It's the Bats!" Harley cried out pointing to his location.  
When The Dynamic Duo began their descent into the crowd, Harley and each of her lackeys pulled on a gas mask.  
"Drop 'da gas!" Harley screamed, and as she did, five canisters of knockout gas were rolled at their feet.

**•••**

** "ey! **Bats! Wake up. Aw, lookie: Bats is up. Ya like ya new accommodations?...ha! Didn' think so. Too bad. You' gonna be 'ere a while."  
"Get me out of here, Harley. I've bigger fish to fry than you."  
"Aw...but Batsy, the game's jus' begun." Harley giggled as she sneered out her last few words. "Oh, an' it's HQ from now on, anyway, you'll see 'ere that you can't get out. That ain't no ordinary strait jacket round ya bod. If ya pull hard enough... well, let's jus' say the results'll be quite... _shockin'._"  
"Once I get out-" Bruce began to threaten.  
"Aw, but that's the thing, Batsy. You won' be gettin' out any time soon. If ya lookin' for ya Bat Belt, it's not 'ere. In fact, you'll get to go fishin' for it soon enough. Don' worry though, ya won' go that easy. After all, you took what 'as neares' 'n' deares' to me. Now, I got the chance to return the favor. 'ey! Fat ass! Get lil' Robbie poo ove' 'ere!"  
As the Zeebo got Robin to his predestined position and shackled him by the wrists and ankles, grunts could be heard through the gag around Robin's face and mouth.  
"Dick!" Bruce called out to his partner.  
"'ey! There's no need fo' callin' names 'ere. He may be a fat ass, but he's my fat ass."  
Although Batman and Robin couldn't truly see each other's expressions, they could tell how relieved each of them were by Harley's ignorance.  
"Ah wait, do I need to put a gag on ya too so that ya'll shut up?"  
Bruce lowered his head in a form of agreement.  
"Ya know, we can neve' be too safe. Zeebo! Get me anothe' gag fo' Batsy 'ere!"  
Zeebo did as he was asked and went even farther by applying the gag himself.  
"Okiedoke, everybody seems to be in position. Let's get this show on da road." Harley couldn't help but smile as she pulled out a knife, the blade of which was as long as her forearm.  
"Now, Batsy, you get to watch me as I goes loose on ya lil' Boy Blunder. Where should I make the first incision, Docta'?"  
All that came in reply were a series of grunts from Batman and Robin's gags.  
"What'd'ya say Docta'? The shoulde'? Aw, that's a borin' one, but alright. Whateve' ya say." While what they said was nowhere near 'Shoulder', Harley dragged the length of her blade from Robin's shoulder to the crook of his elbow.  
Screams could be heard coming through Robin's gag and tears could be seen running down his face.  
Although no one said anything, Harley cried out, "Oh, Docta'! Good choice! The thigh is always supe' fun."  
With that, Harley tore another line through the fabric of Robin's costume down through his skin to his muscle. Unfortunately for both Harley and Robin, her blade got caught and stuck within Robin's left quadricep.  
"Ah shit, that was one of my favorite knives. Ah well, I'll just grab another one. Oh, ha! Docta'! Stop teasin' me! I'll get there later. What the?..." Harley asked the last part of her ramblings as Batman shocked himself from his struggles in his special strait jacket.  
"Hey, we gots to keep you alive. It's jus' like yous to test yo' limits. The show's not ove' yet! Now, for the mo' exciting parts! Docta', might I suggest the spine? Ooh yay! Thank ya Docta'!"  
Batman finally loosened his gag enough to freely move his mouth and yelled, "You're crazy, Harley!" He had finally figured out that her Docta' talk wasn't for show, but instead her own delusions.  
"Damnit, now ya shouldn've said that! Damn fat ass. Can't tie a gag right. ZEEBO! Get in 'ere!"  
"Yes, boss?" Zeebo inquired. As he walked into the room, he was greeted by a lovely bullet wound to the head.  
"Now, where was I?... Ah yeah! The spine! Here...we...GO!" She said, screaming her final word as she sliced the length of Robin's spine. After her final slice, Harley fell to her knees, letting out son after sob.  
"I can't do this no more... after seeing how's I felt after you got to Mister J, I realized what I's been doin' fo' so long... Ya know, I used to be a normal girl... I was a good psych with a good job doin' good things, good pay too... I left it all fo' love... That's all I had left... It sounds supah silly, but is true. I loved J, no matte' how crazy he may be. Now, all I had left has been gone for a day now, and I realize I just did the same thing to you... but, ya see, hahaha, the difference is... YOU DESERVE YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! You did it to me 'n' now I'm gonna do it to you. Say goodbye to yo' lil' Robbie!"  
When she finished, Harley stood up once more, once more. She got up for one sole task: to take the life of Robin, a.k.a. Dick Grayson. Harley took her blade and laid it along Robin's cheek. "Bye, bye, buddy." she said as she took the knife from  
Robin's cheek to his neck- then sliced.  
The only noise left in the room were the sobs coming from Batman and the hysterical fit of laughter escaping Harley's mouth. Soon enough; however, her giggles turned to sobs as well when she realized that Batman's loss didn't repair her own. She looked around and found what she was looking for: the release button to the strait jacket constraining Batman.  
As she got to a safe distance, Harley grabbed the gun Zeebo had before his demise and pressed the release button. Bruce began to run towards Harley when she took her punishment into her own hands by putting Zeebo's pistol into her mouth and pulling the trigger.

**•••**

**Author's Note: Hope you guys enjoy reading this as much I enjoyed writing it. This is not the end. I may leave you guys hanging for a while, but this story WILL have a true, satisfactory (I hope) ending. Can't wait to post it. Unfortunately, I have to write it first. Thank you. -Your Author**


End file.
